Illegal, Immoral, and Fattening

Hell's cafeteria is crowded today, as there are hundreds of tables at which hungry demons are gobbling down their meals. Except for one conspicuous table covered with a disgusting heap of cakes, cookies, and chips, at which no one is seated. Several feet away, the team members of I.I.F. are shackled just out of reach of the unattended food.

"Hungry-looking, aren't they?" giggles Stopheles, stepping clear of Lance Nathan's desperate carnivorous swipe.

"Naturally, this is where we house our mountains of surplus junk food and unnecessary side items," Blackwell says, admiring the spread.

"The chamber is fully stocked with butter, relish, steak sauce, and any other condiment that might drift through your mind," says Blancwell, displaying food items like a spokesmodel.

"Now I don't want you to think I'm being cruel; I would gladly feed them, but their transgressions over the last year have doomed them to quite a few eternities of starvation," Stopheles says, handing you a stack of legal documents. "It's really out of my hands." You take a deep breath and start trying to decipher the list of offenses, which is as obfuscated as you'd expect from the legal department of hell.

The members of I.I.F. committed twelve crimes in 2007, each on a single day of a different month. Each crime entitles the offender to a different whole number of eternities of torment, between 1 and 12.

1. Four of the crimes occurred on Mondays, four occurred on Wednesdays, and four occurred on Fridays.

2. The arson, which did not occur in February, is the only crime with a numerical date that is the same as its numerical month.

3. The forgery occurred in October, and its numerical date is the same as that of the burglary. These are the only two crimes with the same numerical date.

4. The penalty for the November crime is five less than the penalty for the arson.

5. The product of the numerical dates of the January crime and the treason, both of which occurred on Wednesdays, is equal to the numerical date of the June crime, which did not occur on a Wednesday.

6. The perjury occurred before the kidnapping, which occurred before the libel. The sum of the penalties for these three crimes is a prime number which is not the numerical date of any crime.

7. The numerical date of the May crime is the square of the penalty for the February crime.

8. The homicide occurred the month after the crime which carries a sentence of 10 eternities.

9. The September crime occurred exactly 37 days after the July crime.

10. The November crime occurred before Thanksgiving.

11. The penalty and numerical date of the slander differ by less than 10.

12. The numerical date of the February crime is greater than the penalty for the September crime, which is greater than the numerical month of the fraud.

13. The numerical date of the manslaughter is four times its numerical month; its penalty is the same as the numerical month.

14. The burglary occurred in the second half of the year.

15. The numerical date of the August crime is six more than the numerical date of the December crime; the penalty for the August crime is equal to the numerical date of the September crime.

16. The penalty for the homicide is three times the penalty for the May crime.

17. The numerical dates of the fraud, the assault, and the slander are all even.